I never dreamed that there was so much humanity stretched out along and those County roads that, casually observed, seemed to lead; much no where. I have certainly learned a lot about the local countryside since I became a CASA volunteer. As I recently drove along one of those winding back roads, I thought about why I am doing this   There are times when I'm not sure I am cut out to be a CASA because the task is both daunting and vital which makes me wonder if I can handle the responsibility. The antidote for that doubt occurs when a youngster touches my heart, and I decide to just do what 1 can and stop worrying about my inadequacies.

For the sake of confidentiality, I will call one such youngster Danny. He is a nice looking fourteen-year-old of average height who was able to read at high-school-level years ago, and has spent one third of his life being cared for by the state of Texas. Danny originally came into the custody of CPS in 2003, when he had to be hospitalized because of suicidal threats. He had been taken from his school to MHMR by his school counselor when he stated that he was afraid to go home. After an assessment, a local sheriff transported him to the Children's Unit of the Austin State! Hospital. His mother could not be located to consent to treatment and was not aware of his whereabouts.

The next step in his journey was an emergency shelter. From there the plan was that he would eventually move into a foster home, and, when his mother was ready, he would return to his family He made it clear that he did not want to be adopted. Almost three months later, he was placed at a Residential Treatment

Facility where he spent slightly over a year before being transferred to a Therapeutic Family Foster Home. While there, Danny had a history of stealing at school and shoplifting at stores. He had been defiant with some of his school teachers and was having trouble with his studies. Then, after about two years in the foster home there was an incident in which Danny ran away during a visit to a psychiatrist's office. At that point, he was placed in a respite home for 10 days before he was accepted at the new Residential Treatment Facility where we would meet. I was at the facility to visit with another young man, but our CASA staff had asked me to meet with Danny to see how we might get along. I was taken by his good manners and the obvious sincerity in eyes when he thanked me for taking him for a treat at the local Sonic. Danny had a wonderful CASA who stood by him, went through most of his journey through the system, represented him well, and made sure he knew that he was not alone. But, for various reasons, one being that she felt that Danny needed to have a positive male influence in his life, she let me become his CASA

I always think of my job as having two primary goals -1 want to be the child's voice in the system, and I want to find out what is best for the child   Being Danny's voice in the system had never been complicated, but how could I determine what was best for him? His quiet mannerly attitude belied the emotional struggle that Danny had dealt with for most of his young life. At one point in 2004 he was taking Adderall for ADHD, Prozac for depression, Desyrel (Trasodone) for depression and to help him sleep, Neurontin as a mood stabilizer/anger management tool, and

Zyprexa to address possible schizophrenia and manic disorders. This seemed like a ton of medicine for him to be taking on a daily basis, and from what I learned in my research, some of the drugs seemed to counteract or neutralize each other, so I expressed my concern to the staff at his Residential Treatment Center. They assured me that his medication was closely monitored, but said that they would relay my concerns to the doctor who treated him. Within months the five medications were reduced to two: Adderatt and Zyprexa.

After the reduction in medication, Danny seemed to have fewer problems with staff and peers. This change in his behavior might have been related to the change in medication, or it could have been that he was highly motivated to do well because he knew that for the first time in years there was a chance he might be able to live with family again. I didn't really care which was the cause. I was just delighted that he was doing well because any positive changes in his behavior were significant.

The candidate for possible family placement was his brother, a man only twenty-one years of age with a young wife and a newborn. There were problems with this potential placement, but both he and his wife cared about Danny, and although it was not easy to make the drive to the RTC, this brother and his wife always arrived for then-scheduled visits with him. A therapist at the center who supervised those visits noted that the brother was a positive influence on Danny. When Danny was allowed to spend a few days in their home, I checked in and found him to be happily doing household chores. He had no doubt where he wanted to be, but was he ready and was his brother capable of providing the safe and stable environment that Danny needs? These are the type of questions that can drive a CAS A crazy, but, for me, it is at these times that the importance of what we do becomes clear.

At that point, encouraging new developments helped me form a decision. His brother had a new job, and Danny continued to be well-behaved in his RTC. He seemed well-adjusted to the medication changes and he had no reported setbacks. So, with the new school year arriving, I felt that it was time to recommend that he be placed with his brother. Unfortunately, this was not going to be the recommendation from the Department of Protective and Regulatory Services. The brother had still not completed everything in his plan, and they were concerned about Danny starting high school. It had been quite a while since he had been in a public school, so these were certainly legitimate concerns, but I also knew that there would never be a perfect situation. DHS had done a great job with Danny through the years. They might very well have saved his life, and the judge noted this in court, but in the end, he went with our CASA recommendation because this was the best chance for Danny to be reunited with a member of his family. As the judge pointed out in court, "We all want freedom, and with freedom comes risk." At CASA we know that there can be no guarantee that everything will work out as we hope, but at least Danny now had the opportunity to try, and I felt good about that. You see, before I took on the responsibility of being a CASA, I came to terms with the fact that there would be some inherent ambiguity and uncertainty in the decisions I would have to make, and that as much as I liked to be in control, I was just going to have to live with that knowledge.

And live with it I do because when I was a child a week lasted a year and a summer for eternity. But as I approach sixty years of age, everything moves along quite briskly. This is not a job for the fainthearted but at least it has meaning, and life is short. What better way for me to use the time I have been granted?